DR. BERNEY: Do we deserve to be happy?
Dr. Berney WilkinsonWhat does it mean to deserve something? In many areas of life, there is an economic exchange between task and outcome. In your job, if you work really hard and complete that big project, you deserve a bonus. In school, if you meet the instructor’s expectations for the class, you deserve a good grade. At home, if you complete all of your chores for the day, you deserve to sit back and watch a little TV before bed.
Many people apply a similar economic exchange in their social and emotional lives. They feel as though they deserve to be happy and to feel good about their life circumstances. Unfortunately, it is not easy to define precisely what it means to deserve to be happy. What does one have to do to “deserve” to be happy? Or, to put it another way, is it possible that there are times when we deserve to be unhappy? That we have done something to deserve to be sad. In fact, what we tend to say is that we deserve to be happy, and if we are not, it must be someone else’s fault.
When we talk about deserving a bonus or some free time, it is easy to see the correlation between the task and what we feel we deserve. For example, most people would acknowledge that if you procrastinate in your job and don’t complete that big project, you clearly do not deserve a bonus. But what is the other side of not deserving to be happy? Is there something that I did or I didn’t do to deserve to be unhappy? Do we ever say things like, “Hey, you had a bad day at school today, so you don’t deserve to be happy tonight. Let’s try harder tomorrow, OK?”
Clearly, deserving to be happy is very different from deserving a bonus or deserving some free time. No matter what you do to feel happy, there is no way to deserve to be happy just as there is no way to deserve to be unhappy. While there is a certain intuitive appeal in thinking that we deserve happiness, what happens when you had a bad day at work? Does that mean that you don’t deserve to be happy for the rest of the day? I certainly know there are days when I don’t do anything that would specifically warrant being happy; does that mean that I have done nothing to deserve to be happy? That I should be unhappy that day?
When it comes to the social and emotional lives, we have to work to create the emotions we desire. If you are feeling down for no particular reason, recognize that that is OK. Yeah, it is OK to feel down sometimes. It is natural and normal. But if that feeling lasts too long, I am sure that there are a few things you can do that would lift your mood. You can go for a walk, talk to a friend, play with your pet, prepare your favorite meal, or watch your favorite movie. The point is that you are actively working to manage your emotions, rather than passively assuming that you deserve them. There will be days when it requires more work and other days where it feels as though it did not require much work at all. Just remember that it always requires work, and you are the only one responsible for your happiness.
Dr. Berney, a licensed psychologist with Psychological Associates , is a national speaker and the co-author of "Handbook for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child."
